i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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