Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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