My brain says no but my pants say off.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
