I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
