just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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