i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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