Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize