There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
