i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
