I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
