I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
