if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
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I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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