I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
