He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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