my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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