you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
