Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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