I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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