I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize