Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
