You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
