he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Randomize
