My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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