his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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