Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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