i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize