The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
