Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
