just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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