Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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