He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
