Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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