I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
