Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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