Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
