i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
