Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
