3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
