I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize