Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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