Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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