What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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