Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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