my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
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