Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
His hands were made for my vagina.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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