i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
