I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
