I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
