pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
