I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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