I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
