highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
