A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
