my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
