I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize