I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
