bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
