just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
